It has been a while since I updated but I wanted
to let you all know there have been so many changes in our lives I have not
been able to keep up. First, we are now becoming official foster parents for a
relative’s child but we are already taking care of said child. If you are
wondering, we cannot post anything regarding said child on social media (one of
the rules from Department of Social Services).
Second, we are pregnant! We need to keep things
interesting in the family. We are due March 5thbut we shall see when
the cesarean is scheduled. I am doomed unless I go into labor beforehand and
then I will show up at the hospital and be like “WHAT! I didn’t know I was in
labor!” Everything has been going well with us other than adjusting to all these
changes in our lives.
Lilah is talking more and she is the sweetest
child ever. I cannot believe how amazing she has been these last few months.
Rodger is walking, talking, and getting things together. They both have adapted
wonderfully to all the changes in their lives. Rodger is obsessed with pointing
to my stomach and saying “baby” and kissing it. I was really looking at them
yesterday and I got so upset because of how big they got. It was not that long
ago they were snuggly in my arms. I really wish they would stop growing so
much! Rodger definitely is not a baby anymore. Lilah is exceling and she
already has the knowledge base for a kindergartener. She really likes doing her
workbooks but she tries to be lazy about how she finishes sometimes. Rodger is
speaking in sentences and we are working on using manners with him, and he needs
to do workbooks while Lilah is doing them, so, we give him a coloring book to
use. We signed them up for ABCMouse.com, and so far, it has been a lot of fun
for them. In order to combat our frustration that they like to click everywhere
and do not fully comprehend how to use a mouse, we got them a toddler mouse
that only has one button. Lilah is better able to use that but it is still
beyond Rodger’s ability.
Adjusting to becoming foster parents has been
interesting as well. It can be a little frustrating because we decided to open
our lives and there are many regulations and the process makes things
difficult. Another problem is there is not a lot of research on relative foster
care, or foster care in general. Most sociological and psychological studies
are completed in adoption but that does not necessarily transfer over to the
foster care system. If you know me, I find comfort in research and I love
statistics because they help me understand concepts.
Caring for a relative’s child in this situation
brings a new light to the idea of foster care. In some ways, it is easier
because you have more details on the child and have more knowledge about the
situation at hand. In other ways, it can be more difficult because you are
dealing with family, and if the biological parents are not easy people, it can
create issues for your family because of the stress they cause. Sometimes, the
situation can become so difficult between the biological parents and the
relative/foster parents, Social Services will remove the child and place it
with a regular foster family to prevent further tension.
After you start taking classes and learn the
rules, lines become blurred as a foster parent as compared to when you were a
relative, and you have to follow the rules even when you do not know they
exist. In Maryland, you cannot post on social media, talk to a
doctor/teacher/any kind of professional, cut the child’s hair without
biological parent permission, name/baptize the child, and an assortment of
rules. I understand why the rules are there, it is little frustrating because
it rather prevents you from treating the child completely as your own but
Social Services says they want you to treat the child as your own. I do feel
guilty when I post pictures or videos of Lilah and Rodger or I need to crop out
others from it. Therefore, I end of posting less because it is almost like I am
being forced to not treat them as equal, but I know they are all equal to David
and I.
In these classes, you watch several videos where
older foster children speak about what their experiences are with the system.
Some of them moved 50 times throughout their stay in foster care. Others
mentioned how foster parents treated them differently. Or their foster parents
would say these are my foster kids and these are my real kids. I can only
imagine how that would feel for that child. I know it is difficult for me when
I introduce all the kids because the situation is so confusing. I also do not
want to lie to others, and really, to myself that the situation of taking care
of this child, treating this little person as my own, with Lilah and Rodger
treating her as a sister, is not permanent. That is the most difficult concept
I have trouble with Social Services. It is not all the questions about our
lives, how we raise our children, our relationship, what we make, or everything
else. It is the fact that we are putting all our love and attention into this
person and it might not be forever.
There truly does need to be more research done on
this subject so Social Services can counsel foster family members better on how
to navigate the relationship they have with biological parents. David and I are
trying to understand the system, what we are supposed to do, what we are not
supposed to do, and sometimes there are no clear-cut answers.
One thing I truly do wish for my children is I
hope they all grow up feeling loved and wanted. I hope with our growing family
(and hopefully it will stop growing) that everyone gets their needs met and
they all grow up to be wonderful adults who make good choices. I am excited to
meet this new little person in March and I hope all the kids adjust well. Lilah
and Rodger really want a little sister (but I think Rodger is copying Lilah).
It should be interesting if they get their wish. Poor, poor Rodger, only boy in
a sea of girls.
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